Lent Day 3, 4, and Sunday - Strength

Shift work makes life difficult. First you are just dealing with turning nights into days and then back around again but also trying to fit the life you want to live within that makes things tricky. I do the turning nights into days pretty good but I do struggle with turning my days back into days after I'm finished my night shifts. But this is my life, and the life I choose, the life I feel lead to by God.

Yesterday after my night shift I slept for just over an hour and went to my son's last regular season hockey game, they lost their game in the semi-finals. We do have 4 more games in a tournament over spring break so not quite done with hockey just yet. But I went to support my son and his team and honestly, to hang out with the moms. This year I have developed some very close friendships with some of the moms on my son's hockey team. We all have rough patches in our lives and I've had my down moments and my crazy moments and my meltdown moments and these women have been there to support me and lift me up. We all are so different but have found strength through each other and for that I am truly blessed. Thank you mammas!

You know when you have a conversation with God and you think you understand, and then something happens and you think. Yes, this is from God...and well, it may be, but these things don't always play out how you think they should. This happened to me yesterday, I was super tired as well and I wear my heart on my sleeve and I was sad. Sad that things weren't going the way I thought they should go. So I cried...of course I did. Crying for me is often very therapeutic and part of my healing process. Not something to be ashamed of. I'm still a little sad but I know that things will work out as they should and as God wills them to be, not my will or plan. I do need constant reminding of this.

Today I went to church. The first time in a while as my work schedule is sporadic and most Sunday's Z has hockey. I was feeling down and still very tired although I slept incredibly well last night. I didn't want to be alone at church. I'm in the process of transitioning to a new church. I believe I have found one with a strong youth base where Z can learn and grow as he was not being fulfilled at the church I call home. This was a hard decision to make but essential for my son's spiritual health. I was late because I was tired and struggled to get out of bed ("I can't" was putting up a good battle this morning) and decided to go to my "home" church as they start later and I know I am always loved and accepted there. On my way out of the house my friend who goes to our new church reached out and encouraged me to come even though I would be late. I did, and I'm glad I went. The sermon was about "Becoming strong through serving others" This reminded me of my last year in Corps Cadets when I was in grade 12. The theme was "Servant Leaders"and our end of year sleepover at the church gym the leaders washed our feet. My sock ended up in the water during this very quiet and solemn event but something I think about with fondness every time John 13 is read. In verse one I was reminded that God has the perfect time for everything...not my time...God's time.

So, a couple of "I can't" updates...This week I organised some shift swaps to enable me to go to a celebration of life on Thursday 💜something I needed to do. I often struggle to sleep a full day in between two night shifts but I slept all day and needed it but didn't exercise and didn't do my scripture writing but I didn't give up. I knew that Sunday's are a rest day so I have taken the time today to do my scripture writing that I missed. Last night I was supposed to go to my book club meeting but I was SO tired and felt it would be dangerous to drive so I decided to stay home. I wrestled with the thought that I was staying home because I was still sad but knew I was actually just making a good choice to rest and get a good nights sleep and not endanger anybody's lives by driving so sleep deprived. This morning was hard. Like I said, I was really tired this morning but also feeling very down but didn't want to be alone. Originally my plan was to get up and go for a run and then go to church...but that didn't happen. I turned off my alarm and looked at the weather, -1...brrr....so stayed in bed and fell back to sleep until 9:30. Darn that daylights savings! But I did drag my butt out of bed and go to church and went for a run after Z got home. I was tired and sore from my workout on Thursday (STILL!) but the run felt good and Z got to go for a little bike ride while I ran. After church I stopped for some drive through lunch on my way home. I hadn't eaten since yesterday so grabbed WAY too much for me and ate the sandwich on the drive home and then contemplated the chili once I got home for about an hour before managing to put it away in the fridge for later. This is a huge win for me. I LOVE food and when I can't decide what to eat I'll often get two things and eat them both! GAH! So the chili will keep and I feel like I'm winning today against "I can't."

Day three and four scripture writing
Philippians 3:10-11 - this one was short and I did it yesterday instead of going to book club. I'm not sure if I was just very tired or if I didn't understand it. 😕 But I don't have to have something insightful to say every day.

Mark 1:12-15 - Mark is very concise...sometimes I want a little more detail. Jesus spent 40 days in the desert being tempted by Satan...tell me more...What I do know is though Jesus was tempted, he did not falter. That's why he's the son of God. I falter every. single. day.
"The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news." - Repent and believe. Yup, every single day.

Today was a difficult day. I felt very tired and down this morning but pushed through my can't's and am ready for the week ahead of me.

Lent Day 2 - Fasting

Ok, Day 2! So far so good. I didn't sleep as much as I would have liked but I can sleep tomorrow so it's all good! Once I realised I wasn't getting anymore sleep this morning I got up and did my scripture writing which I turned my phone onto airplane mode as I'm so distractable (SQUIRREL) and wanted to give it my full attention.

Matthew 6:16-18 - Fasting
These verses made me wonder if I should be keeping my Lent journey to myself as it says (paraphrased by me) not to show off your fasting but keep it private because it's between you and God. I decided I'm going to continue posting because I'm sharing because it makes me happy to share my faith and accountable to myself mainly. (and I miss writing all those papers!!!!) So yeah, I have a good visual of they hypocrites with ash on their face and being all mournful with their fasting though so people will notice them and think...gosh, aren't they holy?!?!?!?!?😜

I can't...continued...
So in the spirit of letting go of "I can't" I signed up for a fitness accountability group. My good friend signed up and I wanted to be a support to her and the workouts the OHM gives us are killer...but I can  just about do them so I give it my best and post my sweaty sketti selfie. Today's workout took me an hour and 15 minutes and my arms are already starting to feel super achy...should be an interesting night shift! But, I DID IT!!!! and I really thought about not doing it because it's freakin hard! So, Yay!

Sweaty Sketti Selfie

Tomorrow I will be sleeping all day so I have not scheduled a workout for myself but I will be doing my scripture writing at some point and I may or may not post. 

Today has been a busy day but I did SO much that I may have previously talked myself out of. Winning!

Lent - Day 1 - "I can't"

First of all, I know I haven't posted in ages and ages...yes I'm a nurse now and it is the hardest thing I have every done, but right now, I can't see myself doing anything else...but that is not the reason for reviving this old blog...Lent...and I'm SO excited about it and had WAY too much to say for a FB post that I decided to make a blog post...so here it goes.

Lent, usually associated with Catholicism and includes fasting and prayer, meditating on Christ's sacrifice for mankind, and charity/almsgiving (www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/lent-101-honoring-the-sacrifice-of-jesus-1382259.html). Many Christians recognise lent, me being one of them, although not being very good at it I usually decide on an item I am going to give up (fasting...sort of...) and try to remember to pray more. In the past I have given up chocolate, facebook, deep fried foods, and even sugar. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not. Last year I didn't give up anything, a couple years ago I did 40 acts (https://40acts.org.uk) and that was great until I was unable to keep up. So this year...I've been thinking for a couple of weeks what I was going to "give up" for lent. The usual things came to mind but I wasn't satisfied with them. Yesterday I had a brainwave!

This year for Lent I am "letting go" of "I can't." For those of you who don't know, I struggle on and off with depression. Once upon a time I was taking medication for it but it had since improved and I am able to recognise the signs of increasing depression and work to counteract it with exercise, healthy eating, and previously, counselling. This is what works for me (please remember that not everyone who has depression is the same!)

I have done a lot of things over the previous 5-6 years (1/2 marathon, Nursing degree, etc), things that many people say are amazing. I'll be the first to tell you, I'm pretty awesome 😉. There is one thing I do struggle with though and that is telling myself I can't do something or that I'm not good enough. Inner dialogue is terrible sometimes and it may not even be words, it could just be that frame of mind. I can't eat healthy because it's just me and I can't make dinner for just me, I can't go for a run because it's raining or too cold, I can't work out today because I'm too tired. Yes, these are all things for myself. I am a giver...I do struggle to say "No" when I think I can manage something, like PAC, or fund raising, or anything else like that. I really LIKE being able to do those things...but I'm less giving to myself...and that is what I'm going to give up for Lent. This is to be coupled with scripture writing, which I love the idea of...but haven't managed more than a couple of days previously. I am taking my time to do this and practising my cursive writing so I slow down and focus on the words I am writing.  My plan is to blog about my journey this Lenten period (is that a word? I know I could look it up but I'm now in a rush to finish before the school run!) to help keep me accountable to myself (even if nobody reads it!).

Day 1 - Today I got up (slightly late) and did the dishes prior to taking Z to school. For anyone who knows me knows I HATE doing the dishes...but if I don't do them then they don't get done, and one thing I hate more than the dishes is a disastrous kitchen! After dropping Z off at school I went for a run...I really didn't want to run because it's hard and I feel like a big lump and man is it unseasonaly cold out right now...but I started from the very beginning of my "couch to 5km" training plan and ran. Tell you what, it felt AMAZING!

I then went and got my legs and brows waxed...I have been meaning to do this since the middle of February but there were always reasons why I couldn't. Not very good reasons...I know this may not make sense to you...but for me, actually doing this little bit of self care (because who doesn't like soft silky legs without having to shave every couple of days!) is huge for my journey. I am excited. I'm excited about the possibilities this will bring for me. The doors it will open in my life and for my self worth. I know that not all days will be like today, full of anticipation and excitement but, I have a plan and that will help me reach my goal.

I have completed my scripture writing today as well. A couple of months I picked up a notebook with the verse "Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16.14" I wasn't sure what I was going to use it for but felt I would put it to good use in the future. This book is what I am doing my scripture writing in.

Joel 2:12-14 - Rend your Heart - Do you know what Rend means? I didn't so I had to look it up. It means separate, but not nicely, in quite a severe manner. "Return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." YIKES! Pretty sure this was written for me! Following God is NOT easy. It is not the easy road, thankfully I am saved by grace! and God is "gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love (v.13)." Praise GOD! I am returning, and timidly it may be because I know I have not been following as close to Jesus as I should be, nor have I been trying very hard, and there have been tears (of course there have been tears...do you not know me!?!?) but I am returning, and praying, and confessing, and fasting in my own manner but focused on God and his love and strength that he gives to me freely. I am so blessed (and so are you).