Lent, usually associated with Catholicism and includes fasting and prayer, meditating on Christ's sacrifice for mankind, and charity/almsgiving (www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/lent-101-honoring-the-sacrifice-of-jesus-1382259.html). Many Christians recognise lent, me being one of them, although not being very good at it I usually decide on an item I am going to give up (fasting...sort of...) and try to remember to pray more. In the past I have given up chocolate, facebook, deep fried foods, and even sugar. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not. Last year I didn't give up anything, a couple years ago I did 40 acts (https://40acts.org.uk) and that was great until I was unable to keep up. So this year...I've been thinking for a couple of weeks what I was going to "give up" for lent. The usual things came to mind but I wasn't satisfied with them. Yesterday I had a brainwave!
This year for Lent I am "letting go" of "I can't." For those of you who don't know, I struggle on and off with depression. Once upon a time I was taking medication for it but it had since improved and I am able to recognise the signs of increasing depression and work to counteract it with exercise, healthy eating, and previously, counselling. This is what works for me (please remember that not everyone who has depression is the same!)
I have done a lot of things over the previous 5-6 years (1/2 marathon, Nursing degree, etc), things that many people say are amazing. I'll be the first to tell you, I'm pretty awesome 😉. There is one thing I do struggle with though and that is telling myself I can't do something or that I'm not good enough. Inner dialogue is terrible sometimes and it may not even be words, it could just be that frame of mind. I can't eat healthy because it's just me and I can't make dinner for just me, I can't go for a run because it's raining or too cold, I can't work out today because I'm too tired. Yes, these are all things for myself. I am a giver...I do struggle to say "No" when I think I can manage something, like PAC, or fund raising, or anything else like that. I really LIKE being able to do those things...but I'm less giving to myself...and that is what I'm going to give up for Lent. This is to be coupled with scripture writing, which I love the idea of...but haven't managed more than a couple of days previously. I am taking my time to do this and practising my cursive writing so I slow down and focus on the words I am writing. My plan is to blog about my journey this Lenten period (is that a word? I know I could look it up but I'm now in a rush to finish before the school run!) to help keep me accountable to myself (even if nobody reads it!).
Day 1 - Today I got up (slightly late) and did the dishes prior to taking Z to school. For anyone who knows me knows I HATE doing the dishes...but if I don't do them then they don't get done, and one thing I hate more than the dishes is a disastrous kitchen! After dropping Z off at school I went for a run...I really didn't want to run because it's hard and I feel like a big lump and man is it unseasonaly cold out right now...but I started from the very beginning of my "couch to 5km" training plan and ran. Tell you what, it felt AMAZING!
I then went and got my legs and brows waxed...I have been meaning to do this since the middle of February but there were always reasons why I couldn't. Not very good reasons...I know this may not make sense to you...but for me, actually doing this little bit of self care (because who doesn't like soft silky legs without having to shave every couple of days!) is huge for my journey. I am excited. I'm excited about the possibilities this will bring for me. The doors it will open in my life and for my self worth. I know that not all days will be like today, full of anticipation and excitement but, I have a plan and that will help me reach my goal.
I have completed my scripture writing today as well. A couple of months I picked up a notebook with the verse "Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16.14" I wasn't sure what I was going to use it for but felt I would put it to good use in the future. This book is what I am doing my scripture writing in.
Joel 2:12-14 - Rend your Heart - Do you know what Rend means? I didn't so I had to look it up. It means separate, but not nicely, in quite a severe manner. "Return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." YIKES! Pretty sure this was written for me! Following God is NOT easy. It is not the easy road, thankfully I am saved by grace! and God is "gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love (v.13)." Praise GOD! I am returning, and timidly it may be because I know I have not been following as close to Jesus as I should be, nor have I been trying very hard, and there have been tears (of course there have been tears...do you not know me!?!?) but I am returning, and praying, and confessing, and fasting in my own manner but focused on God and his love and strength that he gives to me freely. I am so blessed (and so are you).
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