Lent Day 3, 4, and Sunday - Strength

Shift work makes life difficult. First you are just dealing with turning nights into days and then back around again but also trying to fit the life you want to live within that makes things tricky. I do the turning nights into days pretty good but I do struggle with turning my days back into days after I'm finished my night shifts. But this is my life, and the life I choose, the life I feel lead to by God.

Yesterday after my night shift I slept for just over an hour and went to my son's last regular season hockey game, they lost their game in the semi-finals. We do have 4 more games in a tournament over spring break so not quite done with hockey just yet. But I went to support my son and his team and honestly, to hang out with the moms. This year I have developed some very close friendships with some of the moms on my son's hockey team. We all have rough patches in our lives and I've had my down moments and my crazy moments and my meltdown moments and these women have been there to support me and lift me up. We all are so different but have found strength through each other and for that I am truly blessed. Thank you mammas!

You know when you have a conversation with God and you think you understand, and then something happens and you think. Yes, this is from God...and well, it may be, but these things don't always play out how you think they should. This happened to me yesterday, I was super tired as well and I wear my heart on my sleeve and I was sad. Sad that things weren't going the way I thought they should go. So I cried...of course I did. Crying for me is often very therapeutic and part of my healing process. Not something to be ashamed of. I'm still a little sad but I know that things will work out as they should and as God wills them to be, not my will or plan. I do need constant reminding of this.

Today I went to church. The first time in a while as my work schedule is sporadic and most Sunday's Z has hockey. I was feeling down and still very tired although I slept incredibly well last night. I didn't want to be alone at church. I'm in the process of transitioning to a new church. I believe I have found one with a strong youth base where Z can learn and grow as he was not being fulfilled at the church I call home. This was a hard decision to make but essential for my son's spiritual health. I was late because I was tired and struggled to get out of bed ("I can't" was putting up a good battle this morning) and decided to go to my "home" church as they start later and I know I am always loved and accepted there. On my way out of the house my friend who goes to our new church reached out and encouraged me to come even though I would be late. I did, and I'm glad I went. The sermon was about "Becoming strong through serving others" This reminded me of my last year in Corps Cadets when I was in grade 12. The theme was "Servant Leaders"and our end of year sleepover at the church gym the leaders washed our feet. My sock ended up in the water during this very quiet and solemn event but something I think about with fondness every time John 13 is read. In verse one I was reminded that God has the perfect time for everything...not my time...God's time.

So, a couple of "I can't" updates...This week I organised some shift swaps to enable me to go to a celebration of life on Thursday 💜something I needed to do. I often struggle to sleep a full day in between two night shifts but I slept all day and needed it but didn't exercise and didn't do my scripture writing but I didn't give up. I knew that Sunday's are a rest day so I have taken the time today to do my scripture writing that I missed. Last night I was supposed to go to my book club meeting but I was SO tired and felt it would be dangerous to drive so I decided to stay home. I wrestled with the thought that I was staying home because I was still sad but knew I was actually just making a good choice to rest and get a good nights sleep and not endanger anybody's lives by driving so sleep deprived. This morning was hard. Like I said, I was really tired this morning but also feeling very down but didn't want to be alone. Originally my plan was to get up and go for a run and then go to church...but that didn't happen. I turned off my alarm and looked at the weather, -1...brrr....so stayed in bed and fell back to sleep until 9:30. Darn that daylights savings! But I did drag my butt out of bed and go to church and went for a run after Z got home. I was tired and sore from my workout on Thursday (STILL!) but the run felt good and Z got to go for a little bike ride while I ran. After church I stopped for some drive through lunch on my way home. I hadn't eaten since yesterday so grabbed WAY too much for me and ate the sandwich on the drive home and then contemplated the chili once I got home for about an hour before managing to put it away in the fridge for later. This is a huge win for me. I LOVE food and when I can't decide what to eat I'll often get two things and eat them both! GAH! So the chili will keep and I feel like I'm winning today against "I can't."

Day three and four scripture writing
Philippians 3:10-11 - this one was short and I did it yesterday instead of going to book club. I'm not sure if I was just very tired or if I didn't understand it. 😕 But I don't have to have something insightful to say every day.

Mark 1:12-15 - Mark is very concise...sometimes I want a little more detail. Jesus spent 40 days in the desert being tempted by Satan...tell me more...What I do know is though Jesus was tempted, he did not falter. That's why he's the son of God. I falter every. single. day.
"The kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news." - Repent and believe. Yup, every single day.

Today was a difficult day. I felt very tired and down this morning but pushed through my can't's and am ready for the week ahead of me.

Lent Day 2 - Fasting

Ok, Day 2! So far so good. I didn't sleep as much as I would have liked but I can sleep tomorrow so it's all good! Once I realised I wasn't getting anymore sleep this morning I got up and did my scripture writing which I turned my phone onto airplane mode as I'm so distractable (SQUIRREL) and wanted to give it my full attention.

Matthew 6:16-18 - Fasting
These verses made me wonder if I should be keeping my Lent journey to myself as it says (paraphrased by me) not to show off your fasting but keep it private because it's between you and God. I decided I'm going to continue posting because I'm sharing because it makes me happy to share my faith and accountable to myself mainly. (and I miss writing all those papers!!!!) So yeah, I have a good visual of they hypocrites with ash on their face and being all mournful with their fasting though so people will notice them and think...gosh, aren't they holy?!?!?!?!?😜

I can't...continued...
So in the spirit of letting go of "I can't" I signed up for a fitness accountability group. My good friend signed up and I wanted to be a support to her and the workouts the OHM gives us are killer...but I can  just about do them so I give it my best and post my sweaty sketti selfie. Today's workout took me an hour and 15 minutes and my arms are already starting to feel super achy...should be an interesting night shift! But, I DID IT!!!! and I really thought about not doing it because it's freakin hard! So, Yay!

Sweaty Sketti Selfie

Tomorrow I will be sleeping all day so I have not scheduled a workout for myself but I will be doing my scripture writing at some point and I may or may not post. 

Today has been a busy day but I did SO much that I may have previously talked myself out of. Winning!

Lent - Day 1 - "I can't"

First of all, I know I haven't posted in ages and ages...yes I'm a nurse now and it is the hardest thing I have every done, but right now, I can't see myself doing anything else...but that is not the reason for reviving this old blog...Lent...and I'm SO excited about it and had WAY too much to say for a FB post that I decided to make a blog post...so here it goes.

Lent, usually associated with Catholicism and includes fasting and prayer, meditating on Christ's sacrifice for mankind, and charity/almsgiving (www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/lent-101-honoring-the-sacrifice-of-jesus-1382259.html). Many Christians recognise lent, me being one of them, although not being very good at it I usually decide on an item I am going to give up (fasting...sort of...) and try to remember to pray more. In the past I have given up chocolate, facebook, deep fried foods, and even sugar. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not. Last year I didn't give up anything, a couple years ago I did 40 acts (https://40acts.org.uk) and that was great until I was unable to keep up. So this year...I've been thinking for a couple of weeks what I was going to "give up" for lent. The usual things came to mind but I wasn't satisfied with them. Yesterday I had a brainwave!

This year for Lent I am "letting go" of "I can't." For those of you who don't know, I struggle on and off with depression. Once upon a time I was taking medication for it but it had since improved and I am able to recognise the signs of increasing depression and work to counteract it with exercise, healthy eating, and previously, counselling. This is what works for me (please remember that not everyone who has depression is the same!)

I have done a lot of things over the previous 5-6 years (1/2 marathon, Nursing degree, etc), things that many people say are amazing. I'll be the first to tell you, I'm pretty awesome 😉. There is one thing I do struggle with though and that is telling myself I can't do something or that I'm not good enough. Inner dialogue is terrible sometimes and it may not even be words, it could just be that frame of mind. I can't eat healthy because it's just me and I can't make dinner for just me, I can't go for a run because it's raining or too cold, I can't work out today because I'm too tired. Yes, these are all things for myself. I am a giver...I do struggle to say "No" when I think I can manage something, like PAC, or fund raising, or anything else like that. I really LIKE being able to do those things...but I'm less giving to myself...and that is what I'm going to give up for Lent. This is to be coupled with scripture writing, which I love the idea of...but haven't managed more than a couple of days previously. I am taking my time to do this and practising my cursive writing so I slow down and focus on the words I am writing.  My plan is to blog about my journey this Lenten period (is that a word? I know I could look it up but I'm now in a rush to finish before the school run!) to help keep me accountable to myself (even if nobody reads it!).

Day 1 - Today I got up (slightly late) and did the dishes prior to taking Z to school. For anyone who knows me knows I HATE doing the dishes...but if I don't do them then they don't get done, and one thing I hate more than the dishes is a disastrous kitchen! After dropping Z off at school I went for a run...I really didn't want to run because it's hard and I feel like a big lump and man is it unseasonaly cold out right now...but I started from the very beginning of my "couch to 5km" training plan and ran. Tell you what, it felt AMAZING!

I then went and got my legs and brows waxed...I have been meaning to do this since the middle of February but there were always reasons why I couldn't. Not very good reasons...I know this may not make sense to you...but for me, actually doing this little bit of self care (because who doesn't like soft silky legs without having to shave every couple of days!) is huge for my journey. I am excited. I'm excited about the possibilities this will bring for me. The doors it will open in my life and for my self worth. I know that not all days will be like today, full of anticipation and excitement but, I have a plan and that will help me reach my goal.

I have completed my scripture writing today as well. A couple of months I picked up a notebook with the verse "Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16.14" I wasn't sure what I was going to use it for but felt I would put it to good use in the future. This book is what I am doing my scripture writing in.

Joel 2:12-14 - Rend your Heart - Do you know what Rend means? I didn't so I had to look it up. It means separate, but not nicely, in quite a severe manner. "Return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." YIKES! Pretty sure this was written for me! Following God is NOT easy. It is not the easy road, thankfully I am saved by grace! and God is "gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love (v.13)." Praise GOD! I am returning, and timidly it may be because I know I have not been following as close to Jesus as I should be, nor have I been trying very hard, and there have been tears (of course there have been tears...do you not know me!?!?) but I am returning, and praying, and confessing, and fasting in my own manner but focused on God and his love and strength that he gives to me freely. I am so blessed (and so are you).

Super Brief Update

So I figure I'm going to take a break from the books to give you all a little update.

In May of 2013 I completed my very first half marathon in 2:22:00 or something like that but I did great! Yay me! In August 2013 I decided I was going to go back to school and become a nurse so I started my prerequisites that September, and enrolled for the RN program in January 2014.

Early 2014 Smiley and I decided to end our marriage amicably and we have a great arrangement between us and Little Man Z seems to have adjusted well.

September 2015 I started in the RN program and it's been a tough haul but I'm working my way through my fourth semester (only 10 weeks till I finish my second year!). It is the hardest thing I have ever done but I love it...or on the worst days, I don't miss my job and that is good enough for me.

I got accepted to the New Zealand Field school for my 6 week practicum in May so that is SUPER exciting. I'm really excited about the opportunities to learn about cultural safety and to enhance my cultural competence in a health care system that includes the needs and concerns of their indigenous population. But before that can happen I am applying for scholarships like crazy...well, that and writing papers, and doing my readings, and studying for tests and being mum half the week.

Due to school being so busy and not having much time for anything else I have let my running slide and gained all of my weight back...but I have chosen to do what I can when I can and to "Live my Truth Fearlessly."

So that's it in a nutshell...best get back to the books!

Less Squishy, More Fit...update

So, as per my mother's prompting, I have decided to give you an update. To be honest I completely forgot about my blog!

Yesterday marked 6 months since I started the 30 Day Shred DVD by Jillian Michaels. I would like to announce that by purchasing that DVD and deciding to become more active I may have created a monster! LOL! I now exercise 5 out of 7 days a week, at least. Since Christmas I have lost 25lbs and I fit back into all my old skinny clothes. I don't even care that I no longer am in fashion, I look fab!

April 13th I ran my first 5km in 5 years. My time was somewhere around 35 minutes (it was a free run so no official times). 2 weeks later I ran the TC10K and surprised myself with a time of 1:10:43! I haven't run a 10k in...well, honestly I've never run one that well so yay me! On the 3rd of June I ran another 5km, The Goddess Run and completed that with a time of 31:51. I was absolutely drained after that run so know I gave it everything I had...but I'm still looking on improving that time one day! I'm now training for another 10K in August when we head to the Kootney's to see my brother. I'm hoping for a time at least as good as the TC10K.

In addition to running twice a week, I have been cycling to or from work...once and a while both. It is 21km one way and takes me between an hour and five minutes to an hour and twenty minutes, depending if I'm going to or from and how tired I am. I have also started swimming once a week with my friend Laura. We go Monday nights from 9-10 as it's only $3. Yes, we are cheap! The days which I don't run, cycle or swim I will usually pop in Jillian Michaels 30 day shred or I have the Turbo Jam DVDs and those are my current favourite. Actually I think I have those to thank for being able to say bye to my 'mummy tummy'.

I have never been in this good of shape in my life, I'm sure of it. I have a little more weight to lose but I'm liking how things are looking. I have no intention of stopping this exercise when I reach my goal, I don't want to go through this all again. Losing the weight is the easy part...maintaining it, this is where I ALWAYS struggle.

So if you're looking for inspiration, get up off the sofa and do some jumping jacks, or go for a walk or call up a friend and go for a swim. Get that heart healthy!

Here is a before and some after shots. I don't have anything from Christmas when I was at my heaviest but this is close. This was taken in June 2011 in Crete.

 

This was after my first 5km in April, yay I survived!

After the Goddess Run 3rd of June

 

Taken last Friday (22/06/2012) in the same shirt (as first picture)

Taken Tuesday (26/06/2012) in a slimmer fitting top and a side profile.

I have about 9lbs to go to reach my 'goal'. Once I'm there I'll reassess I guess. My Chiropractor commented on my upper body strength and how I'm 'balanced'. Apparently not something you see too often in adults. Yay! I feel better, I look great and I'm balanced!

Less Squishy, More Fit!

So on Boxing Day I bought a DVD for $5, Jillian Michael's 30 day SHRED. This has got to be the best purchase I have ever made. I started the next morning with my sister, her two boys and my little man watching me attempt to complete this 20 minute workout (with 2 minutes warm-up and then stretching for 10 minutes, not the 2 the DVD does). I was determined to complete the 30 days. I didn't, not in one go that is. I got to day 18 and got a stinker of a head cold...so I stopped...for 9 days. 18 - 9 = 9...so I started again on day 9 and made it to day 27 before I had to start my next training plan, running.

So my latest training plan is a learn to run a 5km training plan in 9 weeks. I have signed up for a 5km in 6 weeks...so yeah, I'm on week 3 already. So my current training plan is run three days a week and Shred 3 days a week. Sunday's I get to rest (Hooray!). So I finished my 30 day SHRED by working it in with the first week of my running training.

I am now on week 3 of my Shred L3, Run, Shred L2, Run, Shred L1, Run, Rest training plan. Yes, I created it all by myself but I had gotten used to getting up at 5am to do the Shred that I thought, why not keep it up! I have done running training before and been SO sore in between my training runs but now that I'm cross training, I feel OK. Granted my legs do NOT want to do what I'm telling them to and I do have to stretch at my half way point but I'm surprising myself at how well I'm doing! Yay me!

On April 13th I am running the Free Run and it is 5km. I cannot bear to be last but there are only 1000 entries to this run...so I could be last...and this is what spurs me on.

It is now the end of February and I've been exercising consistently for 2 months now. I'm totally amazed by myself. I feel like something is missing if I've not exercised. This past Sunday I even cleaned the house I had so much more energy!

I've not lost loads of weight as I've not been eating quite so well and now I have another dietary hurdle to master (I'll post about that later!) but exercising is definitely making me feel better and I'm not quite so squishy!

I've joined My Fitness Pal which will hopefully spur me on. I want to be healthy and fit...tired of being so squishy!

Goodbye 2011...Hello 2012

So it's January...and I have some time...so I will do my first ever year in review! Bear with me...it was one hell of a year!

So for those of you who don't know or have forgotten, we moved from England in October 7, 2010 back to Victoria, Canada. So, January 2011 sees me without a job and no prospects at that point but I do get to spend loads of time with my little man which was awesome! We tackled potty training on the 21st of January and went straight from diapers to no diapers with no night pants or anything. Best idea ever! Zachary was pretty much accident free after a day and a half. We followed the potty training in one day method. We didn't buy the kit, I just found out the method online and did my own thing!
http://www.pottytrainingconcepts.com/A-How-to-Potty-Train-One-Day.html
After three nights he started having dry nights and now only has the occasional accident at night and usually when he's not feeling well. Yay!

February we celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary and left Zachary with a babysitter, the first time EVER! It all went well of course as my little man is a gem! I finally landed a job at the end of February with Fujitsu Consulting. I started in as an Assistant Project Manager and by this point I was willing to take anything. I found the job ok but not very challenging but better to have a job than no job at all!

In March we decided to go and visit our mortgage broker to see if we could get a mortgage or if we had to wait. Because I was working for a sister company they classified it as a transfer and didn't need wait the 6 months as we expected. So we started house hunting right away. It all happened so fast but we found a house we liked and took posession on the 9th of April, 1 week before we were due to go to England.

April was a very busy month with buying a house, and going to England. With the house we had to get the back yard landscaped because a new septic system had been put in and it was all uneven and new grass had to be planted.

We went to England as a surprise visit for Richards Mother. It was her birthday on Good Friday and we showed up on the Sunday previous. Richards brother picked us up from the airport and we arrived at the house and she had no idea. "Bloody 'ell" were her exact words when she looked up and saw Richard and Zachary standing there! We stayed for a week and agreed to see her in May in Crete.






We moved into our new (and first) home 3 days after we arrived back from England. I was at work and Zachary was at Daycare (which he started when he was 2.5 years old in March) so it was just Richard and the movers. This was good though. Everything was pretty much packed up and he didn't have us in the way. Everything seemd to go smoothly except for noticing the damp patch in our ceiling the first night we were there.

May saw us going to Crete for a week to spend time with my in-laws. A week is not long enough for such a lengthy trip! But all in all we were glad we went as this would be the last time we would see Rosa (other than on Skype). I can still feel her hug and remember her words so clearly as we said good bye.






I don't remember much from June. We had fathers day and went for a round of mini-golf and out for lunch at Smokin' Bones....We had a lovely day and the weather behaved itself. But other than that not much else happened (I don't think!). I also took part in the Canadian Cancer Society Relay for Life. I failed to organise a team from work so myself and one lone co-worker joined another team consisting of young girls. Michelle and I walked most of the night and talked and talked and talked. It turned out we had a lot in common and we got on very well. Michelle has now become one of my closest friends in Victoria and we have done a number of things with her and her husband Oliver.

In July we decided we could no longer manage with just one vehicle as Richard's work was taking him over to the mainland more and more often. Where we live it isn't possible to catch a (three) bus(s) and still catch the first ferry.  So we bought a brand new Toyota Rav4. We love our new car and it holds six of us perfectly. My sister lives in Nanaimo and doesn't drive so it is very handy for that. Otherwise Moose gets transported about in the back.

Moose is doing very well. He was put on a strict weight lose diet again as he was getting way to heavy (just like his owners?). He has now lost 8kg! Yay Moose. He hardly struggles with his back hips now which is great as he is getting old.









August I don't remember much of other than going camping with Lynda and the boys and then starting a new project. I am no longer an Assistant Project Manager, I am now an Applications Analyst...basically, I work on a Service (Help) Desk. It's pretty dull but I love the people I work with and it is a fairly secure roll (and I didn't have to take a pay cut!).

September was Zachary's 3rd birthday! We had a fun party with 4 little friends, some games and cake and presents. I made the cake for Zachary in his current favourite theme. Cars! Miriam and Dave came over for the weekend as well and it was so lovely to meet long awaited baby Teagan born July 22, 2011.

I was quite ill the end of September with the flu and then numerous head colds. I was off work for 3 weeks in total. I finally kicked the germs out of my body the end of November as I was fed up!

Rosa lost her battle with Cancer on November 2, 2011. She was a fantastic person and my life will always be richer for knowing her. She was my friend and mother-in-law and a fantastic Gran to Zachary. She is missed by everyone who knew her.

We went to England for the Funeral. Richard and Zachary went on the 2nd but didn't quite make it in time. Rosa was told "Your boy is coming home, and he's bringing his Dad". She died later that night. I flew back on the 6th and we came home as a family on the 17th. It was a very hard trip but we knew it was coming. I just pray that she is now at peace.

December saw my 35th birthday (ouch!) which we celebrated with Michelle and Oliver and of course Christmas. Zachary was thouroughly spoiled and he still has more to open (Nanny and Papa's presents arrived yesterday!).

The past year drained Richard and I emotionally, physically and of course financially. We are ready to put the year behind us and start this one calmly and in a nice routine.